Here’s some of the

world’s news stories -

as we heard them!

Doctors in Wales have defined a new obsessive disorder as Tom

Jones Syndrome. The patient keeps singing “The Green Green

Grass of Home”" When asked by our reporter if it was common, a

spokesman remarked “Well, It’s Not Unusual”

Two Eskimos, who were rescued from their sinking kayak, told res-

cuers that they were feeling the cold so they lit a fire. Unsurprisingly

it sank, and a Coastguard spokesman commented “That just goes

to prove that you can’t have your Kayak and heat it”!

Johnny Entwhistle, aged 14 of Oldham-On-Sea was in court yester-

day accused of theft of a mountain bike. He said, in his defence,

“For ages I’ve prayed every night for a new bike, but I realised that

the Lord in his infinite wisdom didn’t work that way. So instead,I

pinched this one and asked Him to forgive me”.

Tiger Woods, on his way to an Irish tournament, stopped

In the same court, Humbert Gruntfuttock, 47, was accused of steal-

for petrol in his new Mercedes. The pump attendant

ing a set of railings and a garden gate. He asked for two further

who obviously knew nothing about golf, greeted him,

fences to be taken into account.

unaware of who the golf pro was.

“Top of the mornin to yer, sir" said the attendant.

Staff at a Cornwall job centre refused to place Denzil Clutterworthy

Tiger nodded a quick “'hello” and bent forward to pick up

the nozzle. As he did, two tees fell out of his shirt pocket

of Penzance after, when applying for a job as a blacksmith, the

onto the ground. "What are those", asked the attendant. "They're called

employment officer said “Have you ever shoe-ed a horse?” and Mr

tees" replied Tiger. "Well, what on God's earth are dey for." enquired the

Clutterbuck was heard to reply “No, but I once told a donkey to

attendant. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" , said Tiger.

bugger off”

"Bloody hell” said the Irishman, "Dem people at Mercedes tink of everytin’."

A new U.K. Home Office directive has suggested that to prevent

burglars stealing everything in the house, occupants simply move

everything in the house into their bedroom when they go to bed. In

the morning they should simply move it all back again.

The wedding of two television arials was held in Little Cringeworthy

church last Saturday. A village spokesman said “The service wasn’t

up to much, but the reception was excellent”

Yesterday it was announced that a new method of fending off shark

attacks has been developed by Marine Biology researchers. If you

are ever unfortunate enough to be approached by a shark, they

recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on

the nose with as much force as possible. If this doesn’t work, they

suggest you beat the shark with your stump.

Lower Shufflewick police officers have been issued with

sheets of very thin paper and pencils. Constable Bert

Cringeworthy explained “They’re very ‘andy when we need to

trace somebody”